A bit of a rant I guess.

Image not mine.

Hey guys, 

Sorry I haven’t really been on a lot, just really struggling right now with my OCD and my depression, its been really hard to just get out of bed, to open my eyes and write something or draw. I am going to try and actually stick to writing here everyday although I can’t really promise poems and stories, I’ll probably just end up writing about whatever is going inside of my mind. 

I am finding it hard to go to school and go through my lessons every day, all I can think about is how ‘lazy’ this must make me and how I must be wanting to get attention then, since I am acting the way I am.

This is kind of my last resort aside from deciding to try and actually start taking meds. Meditation helped me a bit, at least in the stress part it helps me calm down. I don’t really think I have the right to whine so much, I mean, there’s people out there much worst then me. People with cancer, people who are stuck being homeless, getting abused or who have other, much worst sickness

There really shouldn’t be a reason for me to feel the way that I’ve been feeling, my mother’s chemotherapy went well and they said that she only has to visit them in give years to check again. I am in college, I have food to eat and a place to stay at, I have clothes to wear and people who see me as a friend.

Its like having a little, dark voice inside my head, telling me how worthless I am, how much of a failure for not being able to do even the simplest of thing perfect, its been hard to actually get a job that I can deal with or just do basic things like chores.

My mom thinks that I am just being lazy and a good for nothing, that if I really wanted to, I could just get up and get any job, help around the house like I am suppose to. I think right now she’s really regretting having me, my whole life I feel like I’ve been the substitute for the child she lost three years before she had me. Its like….I was suppose to be that kid, and I’ve tried. I’ve never done any type of drugs, I don’t go out and party, if I want to do something, I always politely ask her for permission, when I talk to her I make sure to use the honorifics, I try not to ask her for stuff but all she does is complain about how I like books so much, how I don’t go out enough but if I do start to go out, she starts complaining about that.

Its not like she’s a terrible mother or anything, she accepted my beliefs even though its different from hers, she’s been supportive of the friends I have but when she goes on about how ‘useless’ I am and how she just wants to move out and get away from us, I feel like she means that she wants to get away from me. I am not feminine like her, I rather have books then go to a party and talk to people about things I honestly don’t give a crap. I feel like if she had the kid before me, the one she lost, she would have been so much more happier or if I was more like her. 

Its not just her, I’ve found it hard to keep up with my interest of Psychology, languages and everything else I use to adore, its even hard to go and take care of my plants. Its a bit hard to actually write this and post it, all I can think about is how if I am doing this then I must really want attention but I also read and been told that talking and writing about it is the best thing to do so I’ll give it a try.

Day by Day poem

Image not mine.

Day by Day,

I see your face,

And know that you are the one.

 

Sun rises and falls,

Waves rolls,

And our lives carries on.

 

Darkness and Light,

They both collide,

Pushing and pulling us.

 

When I see your smile,

I realize happiness and sorrow,

And hope that we grow older together.

 

Your voice is locked in my memory and heart,

Every breath you take and every smell attached to you,

I’ll always remember.

 

As our body degenerates,

And our memories fades,

All that is left,

Is day by day.

Don’t forget me

image not mine

Don’t forget me when I am old,

When I am gone from this world,

And only my ashes are left.

Remember all the good things,

Please don’t dwell on the bitter

And sad memories of me.

May my scent be imprinted in your mind,

My strange laugh,

And even stranger sense of humor.

Please don’t cry in my funeral,

Don’t say that I should have lived longer,

That it wasn’t my time.

Don’t Forget me,

When my sight leaves me,

And my voice runs away.

Even if I change,

If my accent get’s thicker,

Don’t try to erase who I was and am.

Keep a few good pictures of me,

But not the awkward kind,

Or the type that would make you cry.

Don’t forget me,

But don’t hold on,

Just remember the good things

between us.

Free

Image not mine

“Set me free”

He said to me,

As the fire blew,

Leaving memories.

The once upon a time

No longer exist,

There is no us,

Just him and I.

Night has become longer,
What use to keep me strong

Is now gone,

Isolation is left behind.

The passion burned out,

Now there is simply arguments,

Distractions

And pregnant silents.

Formula of conversations

Are no longer simple,

Now it’s “XS+ GD- HD= Confusion.”

Words became rare.

He tells me I am forgiven

But what it sounds like is

“Let’s keep our distant.”

And so we separate.

Eyes are shifted away,

Trying to fill it with

Small talks and

Politeness.

Goodbye meaningful conversations

Leaving us like an old friend,

It’s like meeting all over again

Without knowing what to say.

Train ride

Image not mine

Train rides

Always feel the longest

When I am alone,

Why?

Everyone is always

So preoccupied,

What happened to

Politeness?

Cellphones here,

Laptop there,

Blank stares,

It’s like being in another planet.

 

Hesitations to communicate,

What happened to

“Hellos”?

Where are they now?

Countdown to destined stop,

3 more left,

2 more,

Ladies and gentleman we have arrived.

Diversity,

Hello parents,

Lawyers,

Teacher.

Ciao students,

Homeless people,

Old and young,

New York.

So many different smells,

Sweet,

Sour,

Bitter.

Advertisement everywhere,

Body modification,

Brand new phones,

Even our soul can be cure.

Awkward smile,

Look away,

Listen to music,

Drift to sleep.

Why is that

Train rides

Always seem so long,

Yet lonely?

So many trains,

A-Z,

123,

Endless.

I could easily

Get lost

On a train ride,

Debate.

From Queens

To Bronx,

Brooklyn,

Manhattan.

Even different states,

But why does it feel so long?

This ride,

Lulled me to sleep.

The day I fell in love with you

Image not mine.

The day I fell in love with you,
Was the day that we first met,
You had a smile on your face
and made the usually serious me
Forget what it was like to feel pain.

You healed this broken heart,
That was wary of this world,
With your words
I learned what love was.

The day I fell in love with you
Was the day you first held my hand,
I-who hate touches
Understood what feeling electricity felt like.

Your gentle words
they showed my stone heart-
that’s there’s still hope in this bitter world
And that I shouldn’t give up.

Nights were spend talking
About everything and nothing,
About dreams and hopes
that we shared as one.

The day I fell in love with you,
It felt as if I woke up from a long dream-
There was finally someone to speak with
And believe.

I remember you telling me your darkest thoughts-
Sharing with me what it felt like
to feel as if you were suffocating-
Slowly dying.

There was only us in this world,
One made out of deceptions and illusions,
Where whispers were everywhere-
And our voices were shut.

You showed me that there was light at the end of the tunnel,
That there might not be happy ending-
There might not be prince charming,
But we can damn well get close to it.

Oh we had our ups and downs,
I screamed,
You yelled,
we fought.

The day I fell in love with you,
was the day that you made me cry,
I wanted to hit you so bad,
but you utter those words
“Even if we scream and fight, I’ll love you.”

It was the day I knew this was real,
That even if we broke up,
Even if we were torn apart,
I finally found what I was looking for.

Someone to share silly stories with,
Someone that can deal with the bossy me-
Who is never satisfied-
Who always seems so angry.

You took me as I was,
Didn’t try to change me,
When you held me close-
I thought that I was dreaming.

How nice it was,
To have someone call me “Cute.”
To tell me that imperfections were perfection
And I should not try to hide my flaws.

The day I fell in love with you,
Was the day you wrote me poems,
Telling me how lovely I was,
How you thanked god for sending me to your life.

We shared the darkest and brightest of thoughts,
Remember those long phone hours conversation?
Mother couldn’t believe how happy I was,
It was because you changed me.

The world felt like a better place,
My depression was gone,
I still had those dark moments,
But you still held on.

You held on to me,
To this fucked up girl
That kept screwing up things,
You told me that it would all work out,
That you would be beside me.

The day I fell in love with you,
Was like a beautiful symphony-
I thank everything I know,
For giving you to me.

Although we broke up,
I still keep you in my heart,
Because the day I fell in love with you,
Is the day our story began.

 

Cher, Ex Amant

Image not mine

Cher, ex amant

I promise to get rid of the poems

you’ve written for me,

to forget the late night talks we’ve shared,

And marry a man that will care.

    I’ll give my heart to him,

The way I was never able to give it to you,

and when I have a daughter,

I promise to look at the innocence in her eyes,

Hold on to her naivety.

When she falls in love

And gets her heart broken,

I’ll write strength down her spine,

fill it with independence

while whispering your name in my pillow.

If she asks me what I said,

I’ll tell her that I know how it feels

to love someone so much

that it feels as if your heart might burst.

I’ll tell her that she needs to be strong,

to ignore the acidic butterfly in her stomach,

that feels as if they want to rip out

and fly away.

Cher, ex amant

I promise to delete our special songs,

hold on to this selfish heart,

and fill it with illusions of

spiderwebs

and deceptions.

If she ever feels alone,

If she ever feels as if the world will crumble down on her,

I’ll tell her I understand,

What it feels like to lose your head,

To listen to the cold whisper at night,

While death tries to find you.

How alluring death seems,

such a fine gentleman,

Who let’s you get lost at night,

Forget just how wicked a soul can be.

Cher, ex amant

I’ll tell her that I understand

The pain of losing someone

Not just once

But twice.

I hope she never has to know what a goodbye hug feels like,

Or how lonely a last embrace really is,

That she never has to memorize the lowest of tone of a last conversation

And learn what “See you later” actually means.

I pray to Buddha that she finds friends that can hold her close,

Those that won’t throw her away,

Because they are so cool,

I pray that they are like fire flies,

And light the path when she’s in the dark,

lead her to safety.

If my daughter ever hates what she sees in the mirror,

I promise to fix it for her,

Show her that the world is full of

“Hello” and “Goodbye”

But it’s what you do with it that counts.

    Cher, ex amant

I hope she never has to put on mock smiles.

Forget what ecstasy feels like

when a relationship begins.

I’ll tell her about us,

How we love and cried together,

How our dreams mixed into one,

Our hearts knew every small path,

Until it was hard to know which belong to which.

I hope she never has to bear her soul

in front of millions of stare,

that she never knows

what betrayal really means,

Or that she sees that those hands

that once held her,

now retreats

as if shot by a sniper.

I pray that she never loses her head

wondering what she did wrong,

what she could have done right,

and feel as if life is but a meaningless labyrinth

that she should just escape from.

Cher, ex amant

How time pass,

They say that time heals everything

But it hasn’t healed us yet.

If my daughter ever wonders

why first love are so hard,

I’ll tell her the story of us,

I’ll admit to her

that first love are

never really gone.