Sorry I haven’t really been on a lot, just really struggling right now with my OCD and my depression, its been really hard to just get out of bed, to open my eyes and write something or draw. I am going to try and actually stick to writing here everyday although I can’t really promise poems and stories, I’ll probably just end up writing about whatever is going inside of my mind.
I am finding it hard to go to school and go through my lessons every day, all I can think about is how ‘lazy’ this must make me and how I must be wanting to get attention then, since I am acting the way I am.
This is kind of my last resort aside from deciding to try and actually start taking meds. Meditation helped me a bit, at least in the stress part it helps me calm down. I don’t really think I have the right to whine so much, I mean, there’s people out there much worst then me. People with cancer, people who are stuck being homeless, getting abused or who have other, much worst sickness
There really shouldn’t be a reason for me to feel the way that I’ve been feeling, my mother’s chemotherapy went well and they said that she only has to visit them in give years to check again. I am in college, I have food to eat and a place to stay at, I have clothes to wear and people who see me as a friend.
Its like having a little, dark voice inside my head, telling me how worthless I am, how much of a failure for not being able to do even the simplest of thing perfect, its been hard to actually get a job that I can deal with or just do basic things like chores.
My mom thinks that I am just being lazy and a good for nothing, that if I really wanted to, I could just get up and get any job, help around the house like I am suppose to. I think right now she’s really regretting having me, my whole life I feel like I’ve been the substitute for the child she lost three years before she had me. Its like….I was suppose to be that kid, and I’ve tried. I’ve never done any type of drugs, I don’t go out and party, if I want to do something, I always politely ask her for permission, when I talk to her I make sure to use the honorifics, I try not to ask her for stuff but all she does is complain about how I like books so much, how I don’t go out enough but if I do start to go out, she starts complaining about that.
Its not like she’s a terrible mother or anything, she accepted my beliefs even though its different from hers, she’s been supportive of the friends I have but when she goes on about how ‘useless’ I am and how she just wants to move out and get away from us, I feel like she means that she wants to get away from me. I am not feminine like her, I rather have books then go to a party and talk to people about things I honestly don’t give a crap. I feel like if she had the kid before me, the one she lost, she would have been so much more happier or if I was more like her.
Its not just her, I’ve found it hard to keep up with my interest of Psychology, languages and everything else I use to adore, its even hard to go and take care of my plants. Its a bit hard to actually write this and post it, all I can think about is how if I am doing this then I must really want attention but I also read and been told that talking and writing about it is the best thing to do so I’ll give it a try.